I suck as a blogger, but I’m great as a Twitterer. Here’s some of my favorite bits of lunacy (with occasional commentary) from the last 3,000 (or, at least, of the ones I can access, since the archive is still broken).

Easiest way to defeat everyone at hangman: Category: Movie Titles, “XXX”. *snicker*
We were playing hangman at work. It was like shooting fish in a barrel. Also difficult: 8½ and π.

Hey, it’s Yan! I have heard that he is able to cook.

Must be all my strenuous regimen of programming calisthenics. “All right, maggots: square root jumping jacks!” “1! 1.414! 1.732! 2!”

Dumb Callbot: “Just tell me what you want and I’ll direct you.” Me: “You to die in a fire.” DC: “I didn’t quite get that.”
Recurring theme throughout Twitter (not just me): a fresh outlet for assorted hate because most of your family and coworkers know about your blog.

And the nutritional facts on Bacon Salt aren’t that bad: no fat, no cholesterol. It’s almost a health food. I’d be stupid NOT to get it.

Final Jeopardy! category: “Famous Austrians” Me: “It’s gotta be Mozart. Or maybe Hitler. Mozart or Hitler.”
“This Austrian’s 1780 home was reopened as a tourist attraction in 2006.” Thank you and good night.

Heh. Because I mentioned @JetBlue, now they’re following me. I’M BEING STALKED BY AN AIRLINE!

How much do I love that my wife is singing the “Badger Badger Badger” song to my child? :)

I swear, you write one Twitter in Norwegian and suddenly Facebook only seeds me Scandinavian advertisements.
A møøse once bit my sister.

Charles Barkley says he’s going to stop gambling for a year or two. I’d put the odds on that at 12:1.

It’s an inside joke for web developers. “[elaborate story]…but then I opened it in IE6…” and everyone groans because you know what’s next.
I form odd disparate groups of friends on Twitter. I sometimes wonder what my NASCAR or baseball fan friends think about my web development jokes and surly complaints.

Saw a Smart car pulled over in a speed trap this morning. YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.
I couldn’t get my phone out quick enough. I was so disappointed.

You can’t say something is optional if it breaks without it. That’s like saying wheels are optional for a car.
I was probably complaining about something open source here.

“The Recursive Kangaroos” would be a great name for a band.
Well…it would.

If you or a loved one play Guitar Hero III, you may have a condition known as “‘Knights of Cydonia’ on Expert elbow.” Talk to your doctor.
He may prescribe “Rest-acin.”

Is there a platform that Bejeweled *isn’t* available for? BeOS? Neo-Geo? Amazon’s Kindle? The Display of a Canon ImageRunner 3035?
Seriously. I had it on my Helio Ocean. There are only like twelve apps for the Helio Ocean.

It’s BACK time BACK for BACK the BACK State BACK Farm BACK Home BACK Run BACK Derby BACK with BACK Chris BACK “Boomer” BACK Berman BACK!
Another recurring theme: love of sports, hatred for sports television.

KC: “You know what I need?” RB: “Bacon?” KC: “Candles.” RB: “Bacon candles?” KC: “God, you’re weird.”
If you think I’m weird online, you should hang out with me and my wife at home. It’s like some sort of weirdathon…weirdstravaganza…weirdapalooza.

KC: “Can you get up and get me a bowl of cereal?” RB: “I will if you get up and get me a bowl of cereal.” KC: [pause] “Noooo…”
Seriously, you’ll just be walking down the hall of our house and you’ll see the cat on the ground, wearing four bibs. Why? I thought it’d be funny. (That’s a fact, by the way, no longer a hypothesis.)

Q: When you’re paddling up a waterfall and your tire pops, how many pancakes does it take to shingle a dog house?
A: Orange, because a horse has no handlebars.
I stole this from Fark somewhere. I laughed out loud. My wife thought I had brain damage. Glimpses into our psyches.

Dell reentering the MP3 player war is like those Japanese soldiers they found in the Philippines in the 70s. Didn’t you guys hear? You lost!

Alright, that’s it. Billy Mays must be destroyed.
Of course, this begs the question, can you really destroy Billy Mays, or will that make him more powerful that we can possibly imagine?
By the way, this is on the first page of Google Image Search for “Billy Mays.”

Controversial opinion: Matt Kenseth is actually a robot built by the Wisconsin Dairy Advisory Board.
“Beep boop beep. Oops…I mean…the DeWalt Ford Fusion was really good tonight…”
It’s totally and completely true!

You ever get two random famous people confused with each other? Even when there’s not really any connection between the two?
Example: to this day I still mistake George Bernard Shaw for John Philip Sousa. I see Shaw’s name and up pops “76 Trombones” in my head.
Also J.M. Barrie and Barry White. Not true.

Growing babies need four square baths a day.
Seriously, how do they get food BEHIND THEIR EARS?!?

I don’t know what planet they film those Olive Garden commercials on, but it’s not Earth.

Why spend hundreds for a colonic irrigation when the Arby-Q is now just $0.99?
FYI, I wasn’t saying this from experience. The day I eat at an Arby’s restaurant is the day the franchise goes out of business and becomes “HAPPY CHINESE BUFFET.”

Most ironic name to be called out at government assistance office? “Anita Buck.” I am not joking. Somewhere Bart Simpson is laughing loudly.

KC violently trips over something. RB: “Are you okay?” KC: “Yeah. Just doing a little interpretative dance.”
My wife thinks she’s not funny. I try to document as many instances as possible that contradict her.

You know, if we sold Alaska back to Russia for $700 billion, we could solve two problems at once! Could we call it “Sarah’s Folly?”
FOR SALE: Large American State. Big tracts of land, purple mountains majesty, etc. Lots of oil, møøse. Incumbent leader opt. $700b obo.
sarahsfolly.com is still available for registration.

Lesson of Iraq: don’t get involved in a land war in Asia. Also something about death matches with a Sicilian.
McCain sounds like Grampa Simpson. “Back in nineteen-dickety-two, I met with Kaiser Wilhelm…”
Yes, we’ve spent billions of dollars to keep our airports safe from small amounts of liquid and shaving kits.
What about the ever-present threat of ninja attacks in our nation’s airports? These are vital issues, people!
Presidential debates are more entertaining if you pretend to be Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot.