Mythbusters + Ask a Ninja = Multi-faceted, cross-channel nerdgasm synergy!

The phrase “greatest 3v4r” gets bandied about far too often on the internet, but, seriously, this should at least achieve "top 10" status. Can’t wait for the episode tomorrow night.

[Setup: Listening to dumb chick in the Mavs pregame show actually ask Derek Harper which is more impressive: a triple-double in basketball -- which is impressive, but common -- or a triple play in baseball -- of which there were only five in 1000+ games last season -- which just happened last night in Philadelphia.]
RB: [listening to this idiotic question] A triple play! Duh! A triple-double happens all the time. A triple play happens like once a year! [sarcastically] You dumb broad!
KC: [sarcastically] Yeah, you dumb woman. That’ll teach you to try to talk about football.
RB: [looks at KC, trying not to laugh]
KC: Wait! Baseball! I mean, baseball!

In 1992, Fox broadcast an episode of The Simpsons entitled “Homer at the Bat,” wherein C. Montgomery Burns hires a team of professional baseball player ringers for his Nuclear Power Plant softball team.

Well, that episode broadcast over 15 years ago now. Where are those ringers now?

1. Steve Sax (2B)
Ended his career with the Oakland Athletics in the strike-shortened 1994 season. He ran for a seat in the California State Assembly in 1996 as a Republican but didn’t make it past the primaries. He has worked off and on as a baseball analyst for ESPN and Fox.

2. Wade Boggs (3B)
Following the 1992 season, Boggs left the Boston Red Sox and signed as a free agent with the New York Yankees. He won his only World Series ring with the Yankees in 1996. In 1997, he signed as a free agent with the expansion Tampa Bay Devil Rays for the 1998 season and spent his final two seasons in baseball there, where he collected his 3,000th career hit (joining a very exclusive club of 26 ballplayers — none of whom appeared in the episode, unless you count Cap Anson and Honus Wagner). In 2005, he was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility.

3. Darryl Strawberry (RF)
Near the end of his tenure with the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1992, Darryl had plenty of problems. He was accused of domestic violence by his wife. And after signing with the San Francisco Giants in 1994, he was suspended by the league in 1995 for 75 days for testing positive for cocaine use (and subsequently released by the Giants). In 1996, he signed with the minor league Saint Paul Saints in an effort to rehabilitate his body and his image. Later that year, he signed with the New York Yankees and won the World Series with them that season. He also participated in the 1998 Yankees’ World Series, but his remaining career with them was hampered by injuries and a bout with colon cancer. In 1999, he was arrested in Tampa for soliciting sex from an undercover officer posing as a prostitute and for possession of cocaine. Major League Baseball suspended him for 140 days and he later pled no contest and was sentenced to 21 months probation and community service. In 2000, Strawberry tested positive for cocaine use again and was suspended by the league for a full year. His legal problems went on and on and he still pops up in the news from time to time, most recently in 2005 when he was involved in a bizarre incident where he reported that his SUV was stolen from a Miami gas station, but surveillance video later showed him leaving the vehicle as a passenger. He was charged with filing a false police report. All the sordid details of Darryl’s problems can be found listed on his Wikipedia page.

4. Jose Canseco (LF)
In 1992, Jose Canseco was traded from the Oakland Athletics to the Texas Rangers for Ruben Sierra, Jeff Russell and Bobby Witt. During the 1993 season, Canseco was involved in two bizarre feats. The first, and most well-known, occurred during a game against the Cleveland Indians. While playing right field, Carlos Martinez hit a fly ball that Canseco lost in the lights. The ball proceeded to bounce off his head and over the wall for a home run. Three days later, Canseco asked Rangers manager Kevin Kennedy to put him in during the eighth inning of what was then a 12-1 blowout at the hands of the Boston Red Sox, as a pitcher. Canseco pitched one inning, facing eight batters, giving up three earned runs and walking three. Following the game, his production went into decline and he eventually had to receive Tommy John surgery, ending his season. Following the 1994 season, Canseco became a journeyman, occasionally showing flashes of brilliance at some his stops, which included the Boston Red Sox, Oakland Athletics (again), Toronto Blue Jays, Tampa Bay Devil Rays, New York Yankees and Chicago White Sox. Following his 2001 stint with the White Sox, he would continue to try to make professional rosters during spring training (including the Montreal Expos in 2002 and the Los Angeles Dodgers in 2004), but never succeeded in making the final roster. In 2005, Canseco wrote a tell-all book, Juiced, about steroids in Major League Baseball, admitting to using anabolic steroids himself, but also implicating fellow teammates as steroid users, including Mark McGwire, Jason Giambi, Rafael Palmeiro, Ivan Rodriguez and Juan Gonzalez. Needless to say, it didn’t earn him many friends in the baseball community.

5. Don Mattingly (1B)
Mattingly continued his career with the Yankees, but by 1992, he was hampered by injury problems that eventually forced his retirement in 1995. Mattingly, unluckily, never won or even went to the World Series, having his career coincide exactly with the longest Yankee World Series drought since the Babe Ruth era (1982-1995). Thus, he is often considered to be the greatest Yankee never to have played in a World Series. His #27 was retired by the Yankees in 1997. However, despite his Simpsons assertion to the contrary (”I still like him better than Steinbrenner.”), Mattingly remained with the Yankees organization, first as a special hitting instructor during spring training and then, in 2003, Mattingly as Yankees hitting coach. In 2006, Mattingly was promoted to Yankees bench coach under Joe Torre and he is considered to be next in line for the Yankees managerial post whenever Torre leaves the Yankees.

6. Ken Griffey, Jr. (CF)
Griffey was the youngest player of the Burns ringers and, so, it’s only natural that he’s the only active player of the bunch (except for Clemens…sorta…more on him in a minute). At the airing of the episode, Griffey had only played three seasons, but was fast on his way to superstar status. He went to the playoffs with the Mariners during their 1995 and 1997 seasons, but following the 1999 season, he was traded to the Cincinnati Reds (his father, Ken Griffey, Sr. was a Cincinnati institution). However, during his tenure with the Reds, Griffey has been plagued by various injury problems, which have hampered his numbers considerably. Still, going into the 2007 season, Griffey had amassed 563 home runs, which ties him for tenth on the all-time list with Reggie Jackson and he is third on the active home run leader list, behind Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa.

7. Mike Scioscia (C)
At the time of the episode airing, Scioscia’s playing career was already waning. In the 1993 season, after spending his entire career at that point with the Los Angeles Dodgers, Scioscia signed with the San Diego Padres, but had rotator cuff problems during spring training and didn’t play any regular season games. The same thing happened again in 1994 with the Texas Rangers and Scioscia never played another game. He then embarked on a coaching career, eventually becoming the bench coach for the Dodgers in 1997, then the Albuquerque Dukes (the Dodgers’ AAA affiliate) manager in 1999. In 2000, he was hired to be the manager for the Anaheim Angels, a position he still holds today. He led the Angels to the World Series championship in 2002 as a wild card, earning himself Manager of the Year honors in the process.

8. Ozzie Smith (SS)
The episode aired near the end of Ozzie Smith’s career and he retired with the St. Louis Cardinals, a legend, in 1996. With his impending retirement, the Cards celebrated “Ozzie Day” where Ozzie did his trademark acrobatic backflip one final time. He was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in 2002, his first year of eligibility.

9. Roger Clemens (P)
Roger Clemens is now considered one of the greatest pitchers to ever play the game. He continued pitching for the Boston Red Sox through 1996. He then played two seasons for the Toronto Blue Jays and then was traded to the New York Yankees prior to the 1999 season, winning World Series with them in 1999 and 2000. In 2003, he announced his retirement, effective at the end of the season. Clemens proceeded to make his “farewell tour” where he received ovations in each of his final starts at all the AL ballparks, even at Fenway Park, home of the Red Sox, archrivals to the Yankees, but still his former team. Following all this outpouring of goodwill, Clemens proceeded to “unretire” for the 2004 season, signing a one-year contract with the Houston Astros. He then resigned another one-year deal for the 2005 season with the Astros. He helped the Astros reach the World Series in 2005, but suffered a dismal two-inning affair in the first game in an eventual White Sox sweep. In 2006, following pitching in the World Baseball Classic (where the U.S. eventually lost to Mexico), Clemens hinted at retirement again, but eventually resigned with the Astros for one more season midway through the season. However, despite his 2.30 ERA, Clemens finished the season 7-6. Clemens has not played for any team so far in 2007, although there is still speculation that Clemens could return with the Astros or Yankees. Clemens currently stands as one of the greatest pitchers, not just in the modern era, but of all time. His 348 wins put him eighth all-time and first in the modern era. His 4,604 career strikeouts put him second on the all-time list, behind only Nolan Ryan.

And there you go. That was a lot more work than I was expecting. Hope somebody enjoyed it.

No-hitters are always rare in baseball. The last one was kinda recent, just at the end of last season, but before that, there hadn’t been one in baseball since 2004. On average, you look at one or two no-hitters thrown during an entire season, which is incredible when you consider that thousands of games are played every season.

That’s why last night’s game stung so bad. I’ve never watched the Rangers be on the receiving end of a no-hitter. (After all, the last time the Rangers were no-hit, I had just turned five. The time before that, the very first Star Wars was a little over a week away from being released.) The Rangers have always prided themselves on being the hitters in contests. That’s how you can go over 20 years between no-hitters: sooner or later, somebody can get a hit.

But Mark Buehrle was absolutely lights out last night, and sometimes you just can’t do anything about that.

I just miss the days when the Rangers had pitchers that could throw games like that. I remember Nolan Ryan’s sixth and seventh no-hitters and I remember Kenny Rogers’ perfect game. It just surprises me now, looking back, just how long ago those were. (Kenny Rogers’ perfect game was on July 28, 1994.)

Oh well, the last word on a no-hitter though is that ultimately, it is just one game. It’s a remarkable achievement and Buehrle deserves recognition for it, but it’s still just one game and doesn’t mean anything in regards to the long haul of a baseball season.

After all, Kenny Rogers’ perfect game was amazing, but two weeks later, the baseball season was cancelled by a players’ strike and the whole season was for naught.

Man, I’ve really fallen off the blogging bandwagon. I blame Twitter because it’s so much easier to throw up something (or throw something up…or…I can’t seem to rephrase this sentence to avoid the visual imagery of projectile vomit—my most sincere apologies) on to Twitter rather than have to come to the admin, compose a few paragraphs that make me seem like I’m incredibly dashing and witty at cocktail parties, then spend five hours coming up with a Simpsons quote to put in the title of the post.

But it’s not all Twitter’s fault, you can also blame the Texas Rangers who, as my charming and exceedingly-ravishing fiancee will tell you, seem to have some sort of hold on my life, causing me to increasingly forgo things like basic human contact. Then I sit on the computer and make cryptic remarks to her such as “I don’t understand how the Rangers haven’t designated Jamey Wright for assignment. I understand that he would have to clear waivers, but what team would be that desperate to pick up a pitcher with an ERA of almost 17 with an opposing batting average of almost .500. Kam Loe and Mike Wood are practically languishing on the bench!” And she silently works out the mathematics in her head of how many baseball games she will likely have to endure for the rest of her life (162 games per season × (80-year life span - 27 years) seasons = 8,586 games…not including the playoffs) and wonder what the cleanest way to dispose of my body is.

But it’s not just Twitter and the Texas Rangers’ fault too. There is a whole litany of other things that conspire to consume all of my available free time: the Internal Revenue Service, the church, a whole host of clients, not to mention the mysterious side project I’m working on, the Discovery Channel, Apple, who spend millions of dollars in R&D creating beautiful and incredibly functional laptops only to cheap out on the power adapter, and pretty much everybody on this planet who isn’t offering a reliable, fuel efficient, sub-$1000 automobile on Craigslist, thereby ensuring that I click the reload button, on average, eleventy-zillion times per day. If you’ll notice, this probably includes you, whoever you are.

So think about that the next time you wonder why I haven’t posted lately. What have you done to help me out? Huh?

That’s what I thought.

Kelly is in the living room estrogenically crying to City of Angels.

I am in the office testosteronically watching baseball.

Are we sure we’re not married yet?