I couldn’t have been the only person to notice this, right?

Monsters vs. Aliens

Star Trek

Land of the Lost

That’s how many words we’re up to: “dada,” “mama,” “baba,” “nana,” “boo” and “bubble.”

Three months between blog posts. This is unacceptable. I am going to do better this year.

In any event, I’m not sure how many people out there still read this blog and only this blog (and don’t follow me on Twitter or Facebook), but my wife and I are expecting our second child sometime in summer (we aren’t sure of the exact date yet). So, that’s big news. Hopefully, I’ll be talking about that more in the near future.

We have also moved. There was nothing really wrong with our old house, but we are trying to downsize our expenses and because I work from home now, where I call home is only tethered to access to high-speed internet, not commute time. We have moved to the town of Sachse, Texas, which is in the far northeast corner of Dallas County.

This is, officially, the smallest town I’ve ever lived in (the welcome sign claims 9,751, the 2000 census number, which is probably a bit more than that now), but it still has all the perks of being in a major metropolitan area. This nets me all the benefits of being close to Barnes & Noble AND Tractor Supply Co.

As for the house itself, "quirky" would be a relatively-positive way to describe it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice enough house. It’s a little on the older side, but it’s been well taken care of. But there are just some oddities that leave me scratching my head. Like the smoke detector that won’t stop chirping for a battery that it can’t detect, or the doors that don’t close, allowing the cat to wake the baby whenever she so desires, or the dryer that just never seems to stop, or the leaking spigot on the front of the house. But all that pales in comparison to the electrics of the house, however, which seems to have been wired up by a 108-year-old German émigré named Ulbrecht who had neither a solid grasp on the English language nor the National Electric Code, and so apparently installed the wiring of the house to standards that predate the Beer Hall Putsch. All of the outlets were installed upside-down, light switches are frequently in odd or reverse positions, and then there’s the matter of outlets installed perilously close to windows, fixtures, and so on. The guy who installed our FiOS says he’s never seen a wiring job so crazy.

In any event, we still like the house. The rent is cheaper, the deposits were less, it has gas heat instead of electric and it comes with its own appliances, so we’re not having to rent anymore (which means, so long, crappy appliance rental company). All for about the same sized space we had before, which will save us thousands of dollars this year.

Of course, new house means moving again. This is the ninth time I’ve moved since graduating high school 11½ years ago, which makes me feel like a gypsy, and we really want to stay here for a while (God willing, of course). Once again, we must endure the arduous game of determining which Monty-Hall-esque "Mystery Box" contains something that’s very important, like our silverware, ethernet cables or toilet paper. Of course, unpacking with the "infant child" expansion pack (in addition to the previously-acquired "pregnant wife" expansion pack) has added a "fun" new element to this game that really decreases this game’s replay factor.

So, in short, we’re really, really, really hoping that we are here to stay in Sachse, maybe contributing four more tick marks to this our new little town for the 2010 Census.

This is what happens when you leave my weird brain in charge of the baby videos. Otherwise presented without comment.

Sophie Rolls Over (v.2) from Ben Dyer on Vimeo.

I suck as a blogger, but I’m great as a Twitterer. Here’s some of my favorite bits of lunacy (with occasional commentary) from the last 3,000 (or, at least, of the ones I can access, since the archive is still broken).

Easiest way to defeat everyone at hangman: Category: Movie Titles, “XXX”. *snicker*
We were playing hangman at work. It was like shooting fish in a barrel. Also difficult: 8½ and π.

Hey, it’s Yan! I have heard that he is able to cook.

Must be all my strenuous regimen of programming calisthenics. “All right, maggots: square root jumping jacks!” “1! 1.414! 1.732! 2!”

Dumb Callbot: “Just tell me what you want and I’ll direct you.” Me: “You to die in a fire.” DC: “I didn’t quite get that.”
Recurring theme throughout Twitter (not just me): a fresh outlet for assorted hate because most of your family and coworkers know about your blog.

And the nutritional facts on Bacon Salt aren’t that bad: no fat, no cholesterol. It’s almost a health food. I’d be stupid NOT to get it.

Final Jeopardy! category: “Famous Austrians” Me: “It’s gotta be Mozart. Or maybe Hitler. Mozart or Hitler.”
“This Austrian’s 1780 home was reopened as a tourist attraction in 2006.” Thank you and good night.

Heh. Because I mentioned @JetBlue, now they’re following me. I’M BEING STALKED BY AN AIRLINE!

How much do I love that my wife is singing the “Badger Badger Badger” song to my child? :)

I swear, you write one Twitter in Norwegian and suddenly Facebook only seeds me Scandinavian advertisements.
A møøse once bit my sister.

Charles Barkley says he’s going to stop gambling for a year or two. I’d put the odds on that at 12:1.

It’s an inside joke for web developers. “[elaborate story]…but then I opened it in IE6…” and everyone groans because you know what’s next.
I form odd disparate groups of friends on Twitter. I sometimes wonder what my NASCAR or baseball fan friends think about my web development jokes and surly complaints.

Saw a Smart car pulled over in a speed trap this morning. YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.
I couldn’t get my phone out quick enough. I was so disappointed.

You can’t say something is optional if it breaks without it. That’s like saying wheels are optional for a car.
I was probably complaining about something open source here.

“The Recursive Kangaroos” would be a great name for a band.
Well…it would.

If you or a loved one play Guitar Hero III, you may have a condition known as “‘Knights of Cydonia’ on Expert elbow.” Talk to your doctor.
He may prescribe “Rest-acin.”

Is there a platform that Bejeweled *isn’t* available for? BeOS? Neo-Geo? Amazon’s Kindle? The Display of a Canon ImageRunner 3035?
Seriously. I had it on my Helio Ocean. There are only like twelve apps for the Helio Ocean.

It’s BACK time BACK for BACK the BACK State BACK Farm BACK Home BACK Run BACK Derby BACK with BACK Chris BACK “Boomer” BACK Berman BACK!
Another recurring theme: love of sports, hatred for sports television.

KC: “You know what I need?” RB: “Bacon?” KC: “Candles.” RB: “Bacon candles?” KC: “God, you’re weird.”
If you think I’m weird online, you should hang out with me and my wife at home. It’s like some sort of weirdathon…weirdstravaganza…weirdapalooza.

KC: “Can you get up and get me a bowl of cereal?” RB: “I will if you get up and get me a bowl of cereal.” KC: [pause] “Noooo…”
Seriously, you’ll just be walking down the hall of our house and you’ll see the cat on the ground, wearing four bibs. Why? I thought it’d be funny. (That’s a fact, by the way, no longer a hypothesis.)

Q: When you’re paddling up a waterfall and your tire pops, how many pancakes does it take to shingle a dog house?
A: Orange, because a horse has no handlebars.
I stole this from Fark somewhere. I laughed out loud. My wife thought I had brain damage. Glimpses into our psyches.

Dell reentering the MP3 player war is like those Japanese soldiers they found in the Philippines in the 70s. Didn’t you guys hear? You lost!

Alright, that’s it. Billy Mays must be destroyed.
Of course, this begs the question, can you really destroy Billy Mays, or will that make him more powerful that we can possibly imagine?
By the way, this is on the first page of Google Image Search for “Billy Mays.”

Controversial opinion: Matt Kenseth is actually a robot built by the Wisconsin Dairy Advisory Board.
“Beep boop beep. Oops…I mean…the DeWalt Ford Fusion was really good tonight…”
It’s totally and completely true!

You ever get two random famous people confused with each other? Even when there’s not really any connection between the two?
Example: to this day I still mistake George Bernard Shaw for John Philip Sousa. I see Shaw’s name and up pops “76 Trombones” in my head.
Also J.M. Barrie and Barry White. Not true.

Growing babies need four square baths a day.
Seriously, how do they get food BEHIND THEIR EARS?!?

I don’t know what planet they film those Olive Garden commercials on, but it’s not Earth.

Why spend hundreds for a colonic irrigation when the Arby-Q is now just $0.99?
FYI, I wasn’t saying this from experience. The day I eat at an Arby’s restaurant is the day the franchise goes out of business and becomes “HAPPY CHINESE BUFFET.”

Most ironic name to be called out at government assistance office? “Anita Buck.” I am not joking. Somewhere Bart Simpson is laughing loudly.

KC violently trips over something. RB: “Are you okay?” KC: “Yeah. Just doing a little interpretative dance.”
My wife thinks she’s not funny. I try to document as many instances as possible that contradict her.

You know, if we sold Alaska back to Russia for $700 billion, we could solve two problems at once! Could we call it “Sarah’s Folly?”
FOR SALE: Large American State. Big tracts of land, purple mountains majesty, etc. Lots of oil, møøse. Incumbent leader opt. $700b obo.
sarahsfolly.com is still available for registration.

Lesson of Iraq: don’t get involved in a land war in Asia. Also something about death matches with a Sicilian.
McCain sounds like Grampa Simpson. “Back in nineteen-dickety-two, I met with Kaiser Wilhelm…”
Yes, we’ve spent billions of dollars to keep our airports safe from small amounts of liquid and shaving kits.
What about the ever-present threat of ninja attacks in our nation’s airports? These are vital issues, people!
Presidential debates are more entertaining if you pretend to be Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot.

Sophie babbles a lot, but I consider this to be her first actual word.

I am not biased. I don’t care what any of you say.

Since February 2003, Sudanese-backed Janjaweed militias have murdered roughly 200,000 people in the Darfur region of the Sudan. Over 2.5 million people have fled the country, including 200,000 who have fled to Chad, where many live in refugee camps that fail to provide even the most basic of necessities.

The People’s Republic of China has been one of the regime’s largest backers, supplying Sudan with weapons, technology and expertise that has been used in the Darfur. In addition, China has supplied the money to improve Sudan’s economy in the face of this genocide, including improving Sudan’s oil industry (Sudan’s largest export), and funding capital improvements in Sudan, including a new presidential palace for dictator and war criminal Omar al-Bashir.

Today, the International Olympic Committee has rewarded China by granting them the right to host the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing. I encourage you not to stand for this.

Please don’t watch or support the Chinese Olympics.

Well, here’s something to knock me out of a two-month blogging hiatus.

I was let go this morning.

And I’d like to immediately apologize to everyone who had to learn this from the blog instead of in person, including some family members and everyone else, but dems the breaks.

Of course, the first question is likely to be “Why?” and that question has a very long answer. Officially, the line used was “the company is moving in a different direction.” Unfortunately, this was very much the case, and despite my efforts to move in a direction that was, you know, like a web company is supposed to be, no one seemed terribly inclined to move in that direction in any way but name.

In the past month, I’ve been effectively demoted, marginalized, insulted backhandedly, unappreciated, unchallenged and unmotivated. I watch everyone’s pupils turn to little dollar signs at the possibilities, but ignoring the pitfalls and challenges that lie between here and financial bliss. The phrase that comes to mind is “never mistake a clear view for a short distance.”

The mythological tale I’ve always related to best was the story of Cassandra. She was given the gift of prophecy by the god Apollo who was enraptured with her beauty, but when his love for her was unrequited, Apollo cursed her so that no one would ever believe her predictions. Then, if I may quote Wikipedia directly for a bit:

While Cassandra foresaw the destruction of Troy (she warned the Trojans about the Trojan Horse, the death of Agamemnon, and her own demise), she was unable to do anything to forestall these tragedies. Her family believed she was mad, and according to some versions, kept her locked up.

And that’s kind of what I’ve felt like these past few months. I was brought in to get a web company on track, but no one wanted to hear what I had to say. Some processes were put into place to track the effectiveness of projects and identify problems, when we didn’t even have any projects to track yet. Later, processes that hadn’t fully matured were abandoned in the middle of projects.

Early on, I should have been more wary. The warning signs were all there: kowtowing to clients who had nothing to offer, who had “failure project” stamped on their foreheads, massively underestimating time and money required to complete projects. In the end, the first disastrous results I’d tried to avoid fell on my watch and, much like Hoover, the blame fell to me.

In the end, they went from not knowing what they wanted, to wanting something entirely different, to wanting everything without having to work for it. The situation over the past two months or so went from exhausting to irritating to nauseating. Finally, it was just intolerable, and being told I was let go was more a relief than anything, and I think that speaks volumes.

But enough about all that. What happens now?

Well, I’ve already got an offer from a good friend and long term, I think he’s definitely going to be the way to go. I’m definitely on board with what he’s trying to do. But we’re still sorting through the finances and details and we’re meeting next week to talk.

In the immediate, I got a (small) severance and by having this happen today, I have a full month of medical insurance. I’ll also be looking for some freelance gigs or other work to do, and my wife may do some temporary admin work for now as well. We’re also looking to start our online bookstore again and this is a great impetus to do so. There’s also some junk we’ve been meaning to put on Craigslist for ages as well.

And my biggest loss isn’t really the job, but the computer that came with it. I feel lost without my MacBook! I’m going to have to get that situation sorted out next week as well. This old Mac mini feels insanely slow by comparison now!

In the end, I’m reminded why I hate working in corporate: I’m just too independent-minded. It doesn’t fit my personality in the slightest. I get compressed by structure and the benefits I bring to the table don’t fit in a tight structure. Throughout my life, I’ve had people who have “gotten” that and many more who haven’t.

If you need someone who’s “just a designer” or “just a developer” or “just a programmer,” I’ve never been that guy. There are always people who are vastly better than me in each area, but I’ve done all those things; I know how all those things fit together way better than the best person who is “just a designer” or “just a developer” or “just a programmer.”

The bottom line: I’m a web consultant. I can look a client in the eyes and tell them what I can help them become and, unlike most consultants, I can back it up with experience.

Well, this has turned into more of a rant than I expected. If you want to help, prayer is always a great place to start. Beyond that, any known freelance gigs that need a helping hand, I’d be grateful if you drop me a line. I’ll be putting my résumé together again this weekend. Or, drop me an e-mail. You can e-mail me at radicalbender, followed by one of those @ symbols, followed by a gmail.com.

And expect me to start blogging again soon. I’ve let this blog languish for far too long and it’s time to rebuild my presence online.

Okay, so I’m seriously considering dropping our DirecTV subscription. We’re paying almost $1000 a year and we really don’t use it all that much. And in this day, where so much television can be had online for cheap, or even free in a lot of cases, I’m beginning to evaluate what it would take to actually dump the dish.

So, here’s the list of things that we watch regularly:

• Jeopardy!
• Big Bang Theory
• Top Gear
• The Office (sometimes)
• MythBusters
• Texas Rangers games
• NASCAR races
• Other major sporting events (like the NBA Finals coming up or the Indy 500 tomorrow)
• In addition, Kelly occasionally watches different reruns of some shows, plus occasionally Food Network or HGTV.

The good news is that a lot of that can be viewed online. Big Bang Theory can be had at CBS.com or iTunes. Top Gear can be pulled off of BitTorrent. The Office can be seen on Hulu and MythBusters can be had on iTunes.

Unfortunately, that’s where the fun ends.

First off, Jeopardy! is offered NOWHERE. Not by Sony or CBS, not as BitTorrent (not popular enough and too frequent to put on the trackers), not on iTunes or Hulu, not anywhere. But if I could pick up an over-the-air signal, I could still conceivably pick it up though. I’d have to set up a DVR just for that though.

Major League Baseball has a wonderful program in their MLB.TV, but immediately cripples it by putting moronic blackout restrictions on everything. I’d be willing to give $80 a year to see all the Ranger games online, but I can’t do it because I live here? WAY TO PUNISH THE CUSTOMER, GUYS! I can pay $20 a year to listen to the radio broadcast, but I’ll just dig out an FM radio first.

Most of the remaining sports is just as bad or worse. The NFL and NBA make a fortune on their own networks, so why would they simulcast? On the good side, NASCAR is doing limited tests of video simulcast online. I’m watching the Nationwide race online in the background right now. Not a bad solution. I hope they roll this out for all the races.

And simulcasting is the only way that I’m interested in sports. Yes, you can get the NBA playoff games on Hulu…a few days after everyone else has already reported on it. Plus, sometimes they only offer highlight packages. Why would I pay $2 for a NASCAR highlight package on iTunes when I already know who wins?

So, bottom line is that you can really move to online only if you follow popular programming from major networks or other programming that can be had on BitTorrent. But live or time-sensitive content like news or sports is just not mature enough online yet.

This makes me wonder whether or not I can actually dump the dish or not. I’m going to keep trying to find substitutes, but it ultimately comes down to the sports leagues, and they don’t want to be dragged into the 21st century.